Looking for a good laugh to lift your spirits? You’re in the right place. Here’s a list of 101 hilarious quotes that are sure to bring a smile to your face and brighten your day. Whether you’re in need of a quick chuckle or a hearty laugh, these funny quotes have got you covered. Enjoy!
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” — Unknown
- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
- “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” — Unknown
- “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” — Unknown
- “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!” — Unknown
- “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
- “A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” — Mark Twain
- “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx
- “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright
- “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson
- “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
- “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx
- “I can resist everything except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde
- “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel
- “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
- “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
- “I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.” — Unknown
- “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit Kats.” — Unknown
- “Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.” — Unknown
- “I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” — Unknown
- “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde
- “I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.” — Unknown
- “I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, Friends
- “I don’t need a reason to kick you out of my house. I just need a reason not to.” — Unknown
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.” — Demetri Martin
- “I have not lost my mind—it’s backed up on a disk somewhere.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” — Unknown
- “I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult.” — Unknown
- “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” — Unknown
- “I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.” — Unknown
- “I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” — Unknown
- “I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.” — Unknown
- “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Fred Allen
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.” — Unknown
- “I’m not a complete idiot—some parts are missing.” — Unknown
- “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, The Office
- “I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, Friends
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.” — Unknown
- “I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.” — Unknown
- “I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” — Unknown
- “I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” — Unknown
- “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.” — Unknown
- “I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.” — Unknown
- “I’m starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.” — Unknown
- “I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my own butt.” — Unknown
- “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
- “I’m on a diet. I used to eat six meals a day, now I eat four.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.” — Unknown
- “I’m not a complete idiot—some parts are missing.” — Unknown
- “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, The Office
- “I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, Friends
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.” — Unknown
- “I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.” — Unknown
- “I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” — Unknown
- “I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” — Unknown
- “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.” — Unknown
- “I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.” — Unknown
- “I’m starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.” — Unknown
- “I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my own butt.” — Unknown
- “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
- “I’m on a diet. I used to eat six meals a day, now I eat four.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
- “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?” — Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.” — Unknown
- “I’m not a complete idiot—some parts are missing.” — Unknown
- “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, The Office
- “I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, Friends
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
- “I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.” — Unknown
- “I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.” — Unknown
- “I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” — Unknown
- “I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” — Unknown
- “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.” — Unknown
- “I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.” — Unknown
- “I’m starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.” — Unknown
- “I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my own butt.” — Unknown
- “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
- “I’m on a diet. I used to eat six meals a day, now I eat four.” — Unknown